Years ago, I remember learning of the joint family system – not through my own family, but, rather, from a Satyajit Ray film, which depicted a young bride, largely in servitude, scorned by her in-laws. Such was my first impression. Meanwhile, my backdrop was New York City, and, what I would now characterize as glorification of autonomous young Americans, defined primarily by their own earning power and alleged independence of thought, action and spirit.
But, the world is not black and white. Plenty of New Yorkers live with their mothers, well into adulthood, many of them quite happily together with their spouses. This is no Oedipal Complex, as we were taught by the Freudian psychologists, but instead the simple act of caring for those who need extra help and trying to live in harmony. Likewise, there are countless Generation X and Y-ers in our midst who, while perhaps not living alongside their parents, are dutiful sons and daughters.
It is, however, unfortunate that first impressions remain, and, at times, blind us. I admit to having been blinded, for years. My own mother-in-law, who is exemplary in her conduct, mashaAllah, moves frequently amidst her many children. We have hosted her and will inshaa Allah continue to do so. At times, however, my own cultural reference points, including an ingrained sense of value based on earning power and social autonomy, prevented me from recognizing the blessing of hosting, particularly one’s mother-in-law, keeping in mind that the relationship with a mother-in-law may be inherently different than that with one’s own mother.
In this two-part series, we will look at different aspects of interacting with one’s mother-in-law, starting with……
The Kitchen
Need I say more? Most of us have our own way of provisioning, preparing food, cooking, and, yes, often times, cleaning up. Even those of us who work outside the home, generally have a sense of possessiveness when it comes to our kitchen. How is it possible to share this turf with one’s mother-in-law? How may you transform potential turf war into harmony? Following are some possible tips, for the kitchen and other aspects of your life as well, learned through experience. It should be noted that they apply more to a ‘modern’ setting where a husband and wife may live independently and are subsequently joined by the mother-in-law(for a short or extended period), than a more ‘traditional’ set-up where a daughter-in-law moves in with her parents-in-law. Furthermore, of critical importance is the fact that while there is no requirement per se of a daughter-in-law to serve her mother-in-law, kindness and respect are expected, and Inshaa Allah any service given will be rewarded by Allah (glorified and exalted be He).
- Create as clear an organizational scheme as possible so your mother-in-law may navigate the kitchen. Let the spices be accessible (and legible, particularly for families with two languages under one roof). Ensure you keep a range of food, and regularly ask your mother-in-law whether you have the foods she may require (especially if there is more than one cultural cuisine).
- This same principle may be extended to the other communal areas of the home as well. Are pens, pencils, books, puzzles all accessible? May people move freely and comfortably through the home? Is there a designated communal prayer area? Any communal quiet areas? A garden? Gardens have the potential to provide great joy to young and old(er) alike, and provide a way for us to work both collaboratively and independently; different plots may be identified or agreement could be reached about a common plot.
- If there is any underlying tension in the home, consider undertaking these organizational or re-organizational activities together (such as the spice reorganization noted above, and even ensuring a place where pens/pencils may be readily found, yes, these details make a difference). These activities are also best done when there is less time/work pressure, possibly over a weekend, so that you have more buy-in from all parties involved.
- If you are the lead cook, set a menu so that there is always ample food, but also be open to new dishes and new flavors. Although it may not come naturally, particularly for those of us who have been reared to be more socially autonomous, seek input, and, if she is keen, invite your mother-in-law to contribute dishes as well. Furthermore, even if you are the lead cook, try to learn as much as possible, and consider this period primarily as one involving lessons in humility. The kitchen is also part of our deen, and there are important life lessons that take place there.
But there is a lot of life (and lessons) outside the kitchen, as well. Inshaa Allah, we will highlight some of these other areas in the next part of this series.
One final thought in concluding this part: although it is a material world and we are seemingly rooted in the dunia, it is important to constantly remember, especially amidst any perceived trials of family and in-laws, that nothing really is ‘ours’ per se, not our home, for which we may hold the deed, nor our kitchen wares; not even, our ego. In the end, everything belongs to Allah (glorified and exalted be He), and to Him we will return. On some level, it really is that simple.
Please share your suggestions below!
Continue to read Part 2 of this series.
About the Author:
Umm Muhemmed is a student of Hafidha Rayhaanha Omar, the founder of Fee Qalbee, and she has recently authored A Qur’aanic Odyssey: Towards Juz Amma, which narrates the story of a home-based hifdh experience, published by Greenbird Books. Umm Muhemmed’s blog may be found at: http://aquraanicodyssey.wordpress.com/. Presently, based in Texas, she is also a practicing development economist, with a focus on Sub-Saharan African electricity policy.
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Jazak Allah :)
1) aim for direct communication wherever possible, ie communicate with your mother-in-law directly and your spouse directly and try not to have anyone as intermediary. If there is a sense of any ganging up, try to diffuse the situation, by being humble but honest with each of the parties involved;
2) take the relationship outside, yes, outside, sometimes a change of environment does wonders to change people’s perspectives, and literally give everyone a breath of fresh air;
3) when the going gets really tough, as the Islamic counselor commented above (Afshan Khan), try to imagine being the mother-in-law and how you might feel in this situation;
4) try to maintain a somewhat independent schedule, where ever possible;
5) but also look for areas in which to collaborate (and it need not be the kitchen); again we will touch on some spiritual collaboration in the next article, but it is so important to try to develop the relationship, not simply deal with it;
6) if there is no improvement, then you may need to seek outside help from couselors who may be sympathetic but ultimately focused in helping you work toward sustainable solutions;
7) and finally always be relentless in your prayers/duas on the subject and look to the Seerah for insights. Our deen is intended to help us in every situation IA.
Thank you and May Allah make you happy in this world and the Hear After.
Such a timely topic.
I just gave birth to my first child and my mother in law came from overseas to help me out and enjoy his grand son. Any advice on how to bridge the educational gap and deal with conflict between what doctors recommend vs. what the old generation thinks is right without undermining her advice?
Thanks
Also the wife does have right to her own living space so when her husband houses her in the same space as his parents, some burden to smooth things over does fall on his shoulders.
Also I don’t know if I completely agree with the idea of daughter in law communicating directly with mother in law. I have a really nice mother in law alhamdulillah and on any sticky topics about which we know she has alot of feelings about, my husband and her deal with it. He has asked me to let him take care of issues like that. That way I’m never the bad guy. It makes my mother in law realize he has some strong opinions and that I’m not ‘pulling his strings’ or anything. So me and her are then left to have a more smoother relationship. He tells her good things about me and doesn’t ever relay my frustrations or vice verca. I think this is a point where the couple needs to guage which option is best.
I think the inlaw issue is very much about the son..and also about the basic concept of rights/boundaries. If those are in place, it’s not the toughest thing to get around. but when people have reaaaaly strange expectations and daughter in law is not granted any rights, that’s when I think issues mainly happen.