Transcript of Interview With Sister Khafayah AbdulSalam
Bismillah
Abu Productive:
Welcome to this special interview, probably the most sought out interview through the Productive Ramadan website; about productivity during Ramadan for mothers. Normally being a mother is quite difficult, juggling between children, maybe a job and a husband and family. It’s quite difficult put everything together. And today we have Sister Khafayah AbdulSalam, who is the founder of www.ummuka.com, a website that is dedicated towards empowering Muslim mums across the globe. Sister Khafayah, Assalaam alaikum.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Wa alaikum salam warahmatullah.
Abu Productive:
Thank you very much for joining us. Today, we will start off with the big question. For mothers, Ramadan tends to be a month spent living in the kitchen, when they’re not there then they’re engaged with some other household responsibilities. How can they make time for themselves to be spiritually productive and to feel that they have made the most of productivity during Ramadan?
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Bismillah. The first thing I would like to start off with is to say is that we need to move away from the kitchen, we need to cook less; because we tend to find excuses for us to cook more. So as the mother, if you are married, speak to your husband and say that we need to cook simple meals. Now, if you are not married and you are a single parent, like I am, all I do is me with my kid is we bulk cook. So you do a lot of cooking and you do your shopping for Ramadan, freeze it. For me, I tell my kids, that we do not eat differently from what we normally would do; because, we are our childrens’ role model. Now if they see us treating Ramadan as a time to feast, we are sending out the wrong messages. So I think that’s the first thing I would like to say, if we cook less, so then we can increase our ibadah (worship) to Allah 
.
Abu Productive:
Thank you that’s really helpful…
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Another thing I just quickly say that sisters who are married, what they can also do is encourage your husbands to go to the masjid so he can break his fast with the fellow brothers. I know a sister who does that, and it works wonders, so she doesn’t have to cook because he is always at the masjid.
Abu Productive:
There you go, inside tip, there you go.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
So those are the things. If you want to do your shopping, I always say that I am a working mother and I do my shopping online. You know, sometimes technology, make use of it, to makes our life easier for us. Now another thing we can do, I will just spend a bit of time on the food aspect, is that we, before Ramadan, we have a planner. We plan the meals and always involve the kids, when you have kids, because InshaAllah we need to encourage the children to feel the Ramadan spirit and how we do this? We need to start to involve them right from the beginning. So they are ready to geared up and are motivated. You know, like if you look around the UK, everyone is geard up for the Olympics. That is what we need to do with Ramadan as well, insha Allah. So have a planner, so you know what your meals are going to be throughout Ramadan, especially your suhur meals and iftar meals. So for me, that’s what I say is the basic. And remember that this body is a trust and we are looking after it, so this is the time to feed the soul and not the body.
Abu Productive:
Excellent. I think I like the practicalities of your advice, it’s practical advice and we need that. Sometimes we say less time in the kitchen and more time for ibadah (worship), but people think how do we actually do it? You’re giving practical tips. For example; plan your meals, encourage husband to eat in the masjid, or cook less and plan less, and speaking to the children about not making a feast out of Ramadan but making it enough time to make ibada. These are sort of practical tips we need. Do you have more similar practical tips for mothers, in terms of trying to balance between being a mother and also personal ibadah, and being content and happy with their Ramadan?
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Yes, and the first thing I want to say is that we know that our primary role is being a mother. Sometimes we mothers try to compete with the men, but the Prophet 
tells us in a hadith that the best place for us to be, is at home. But yes, we want to feel the Ramadan spirit and we want to be in the masjid. So what I normally say is take care of your home, look after your children first. And then once you have done that, then plan if you want to go out of the home. Now if you want to stay at home, and look after the kids, then it’s the quality of what you do, and not the quantity. For me, what I plan to do (I will use me as an example) is I am going to read the Quran after fajr 10-15 minutes. There is nothing to suggest that you have to complete the Quran. Because when we try to overwhelm ourselves, like I have to complete the Quran, I got to look after the kids, I am going to cook, I am going to keep up with the housework. We get overwhelmed and we give up on everything. Another thing we need to do InshaAllah is the nawafil prayers, just keep up with those. If it’s one habit, because I have chosen 10 habits for myself before Ramadan InshaAllah, and I started planning those during the month of Shaban. And what were those? To make sure I am in wudu all the time, to make sure I am reading the Quran 10-15 minutes every day, and then I can increase that to half an hour. Then again, it depends on the circumstances of the mother; whether you are a working mother or a stay at home mum. I do my reading on the train, because I am going to have an hour and a half journey on the train. If I’m a stay at home mum, then I normally say sometimes, the kids have a nap during the time of dhuhr prayer. During that time, you can spend your time sit there, read some Quran or listen to the recitation of the Quran. Another beautiful thing is that when we do things, and we have the intention that Allah, I’m cooking this meal for my family, Oh Allah I am looking after these kids for my family, because this is the job you have given me, and I expect you to reward me. So we are picking up good deeds as we go along. Another thing that we could do as well, is you know the duas, the fortress of the Muslims, I say instead of having those nursery rhymes, we can sit and teach our kids that, the Prophet says that best one is the one who learns it and teaches it to others. With your kids, after iftar, have 10-15 minutes, sit down with them, read an ayah of the Quran and once you have read ayah of the Quran, give them the tafseer of that verse. Another way for us, I would normally say that we should try to get to bed early InshaAllah. Sometimes it’s a bit difficult, but after isha, do you shaf’ , do your witr, read the quran and you go to bed in wudu and you make dua to Allah that He shall make things easy for you. Some of us have babies that wake up in the middle of the night and I think this is another problem for most mothers – their babies wake up. A woman makes dua that her baby doesn’t wake up and the baby doesn’t wake up, so that they can do their taraweeh. You don’t have to do 20 rakat, you don’t have to do 10 rakat, just do 4. Do it with focus and kushu’. Focus on that. Once you’ve done that, you will feel that spiritual upliftment. Another thing is, if you don’t want to go to the masjid, what we do, is some of the sisters, we have a babysitting club.
Abu Productive:
At the masjid?
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
In the community and yes one in the masjid. The one we have in the masjid, is the sisters who are are not praying they come to a hall in the masjid and then you can leave your babies with them while you can go off and pray, so the babies are having fun with other little kids as well, they are having a little play, while you pray. Like I said, normally we do about 4-6 rakat and then we go home because really, your primary obligation is to look after the kids, that’s if you got kids. Also we can do, sisters can come to your home as well, and we have what we call a rota if you like for taraweeh, so I can go one night when my friend comes and stays with my kids. And we do it vice versa. So there are other things sisters can do. If you are not praying as well, you could always go to, there’s always community projects. Because I know that most of the single mums, say that we get forgotten about unless we are reverts and no one cares for the single parents. We also need to get out into the community. You know, you could go to the masjid and serve those sisters the iftar meals, you could cook and take it to the masjid. You can come up with a project with your kids. Why don’t you go and visit an orphanage, with your kids, and let them see what happens to these kids? So they understand how fortunate they are. They will have that feeling of what Ramadan is about. Because they will see those children that are less privileged than they are. And they will begin to have that connection.
Abu Productive:
I like the concept about involving the children and trying to instill the Ramadan spirit. I love the idea, to take your children to an orphanage and visit an orphanage, or to take them to community projects. How else can mothers work with their children so that it can be ibadah for them, the mother, and ibadah for the children, and hence getting them used to and understand the Ramadan spirit?
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
First and foremost you start with stories and these are in Quran books and good works, about Ramadan. So you need to explain to them what Ramadan is all about, and explain it to them in a fun way. You can also encourage the children. What I do with my kids is they plan iftar with their friends and they invite Muslims and non-Muslims, so they are doing dawah to their friends.
Abu Productive:
Masha Allah.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
So they come over. And what also happens, is some of those Muslim kids go back their home and insist and tell their parents that they want the same thing. Now if my children want to cook, I give them a budget. So I say, this is £20, go off and do what you want to do. You are really connecting, and they are engaged in it, and they’re happy in it because you have given them that ownership and responsibility. And you need to let them know that they are doing it and the reward comes from Allah; not from their mum but it comes from Allah. I also tell them about the gates of the Rayyan. This is another thing you can tell them. Tell them there is a special gate that the people who fast will go through on the day of judgment. They love that. Another way to engage the children, is to leave the Quran playing in the background because whilst you do that you realize that when children listen repetition by repetition, they start picking it up and before you know it you will find that your kids are also reciting. And before you know it, probably in a month’s time they are reciting the whole of juz. Another thing, there is Ramadan TV programs, and what I do with my kids, they have saving accounts with money in it. I encourage my children to have a competition. So we want to teach them about sadaqa/charity. You say OK I have this much in my account, so when uncle Jawad comes on the TV, they like to call in and I let them call in, to donate £5 from their pocket money, or £10 from my pocket money. And they tell the next day that I know that Allah is going to double it for me, triple it for me. So those are the things that we can involve them in.
Abu Productive:
This gives them childhood memories that they will cherish years down the line. My mum used to do this for me. Sometimes we don’t realize how much our kids will appreciate these memories, till years later, oh we used to do this and it’s beautiful. Unfortunately nowadays people are not conscious or active about instilling that Ramadan spirit. It becomes, we make sure you have a great time at iftaar and maybe taraweeh, but really forget the rest of the day and how to engage with the rest of the day and so they appreciate that month.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Yes. Also there’s arts and crafts. Even as an adult, I like doing that. It’s because children are really creative. During the long summer days, I know a lot of parents who are already making excuses; we do not need to make excuses. We should focus on the positive, because if we focus on the excuses, we will just discourage the children. Get them involved in doing arts and crafts, some of them can go to local communities that have different projects that they can get involved in with as well. You know, things like helping your neighbor. We have a disabled neighbor next door and you let the kids go and help them with the shopping, help them with their bin. And let the children tell them about Ramadan, because the children love doing that. They have that confidence and they will just go for it. This is how we build the Ramadan spirit in our children, insha Allah. Also remember to reward them, as well. Like I said I have a healthy competition amongst my kids, they would say OK I fasted 10 days last year; I am going to make sure it’s 15 this year. And they get to choose their Eid presents. I also get them to cook. My older daughter loves cooking, so I leave them to cook and they come up with all these..you know…they bake cakes and cook these lovely meals, even for suhur. And even if I need a nap, we also negotiate. Another thing you can do, if you’re a single parent like I am, sometimes you need a nap when you come back from work, so what I do, I let them watch Ramadan TV, and negotiate that in an hours’ time, you need to wake me up. And they ask can we watch our favorite program, I say yes watch your favorite program. So while they are doing that, you are having your nap. So everyone is happy. And they are learning as well. Another thing I would like to say to working mums is if you can take the last 10 days off. If not, then a few days off towards the end of Ramadan. And you can spend that time in the worship to Allah .
Abu Productive:
Masha Allah. What about managing family time? Normally, Ramadan has so many iftaar parties. Maybe you host some, you go to some, and it’s very difficult to decline them, and if they’re considered family time. Once you go to them you have to invite the people who invited you. So what active roles can mothers take, as individuals and as wives, to manage this issue, that’s consuming time from Ramadan?
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
I think, to be honest with you, my view is that’s something new. Why should we spend our time partying during Ramadan? So what we should do, we recently had a discussion with some mums about how we want to do this. The best way to go about this, is not to call it an iftaar party. If you can, and you’re not praying, as a sister, then you can invite a family over as well. So you can get reward, and you feed them. And it doesn’t mean that because you invited me for iftaar that I have to return the same. I think we get caught up in this. So before you know, you are spending most of your time going around different houses, having iftaar here and there. You can also, instead of going around having iftaar parties, that once in a week you can all gather together in a community hall and have a sister give you a talk about Ramadan or probably about tafseer of some of the Quran. And then you can break your fast that way. We must make sure that we are connecting, that the spiritual connection needs to remain. And we need to know the purpose of why we are doing this. I hope that answers your question.
Abu Productive:
Yeah, I appreciate that. And finally, just for wrapping up, any last words of advice to mother so they can enjoy a productive Ramadan? Any advice, tips, something that worked with you, anything behind the scenes, something you tried last year that will work wonders? Please share with your audience global, and the audience is mostly working and household mothers, so feel free to share your advice with them.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
The advice that I have, is first thing you need to start to scale down your worldly activities during the month of Shaaban, and I know that we are a bit late for that since we are a few days away from Ramadan, but that’s one thing. But also, there also something I love to share in my coaching classes, what we do is we set goals in the month of Ramadan for the year ahead. So we review our goals for last year and we set new ones and then we set these new goals in the month of Ramadan. What you need to do is get a book, there’s a book called, ‘Ramadan Booster’ and also we use your ‘ProductiveMuslim Habitator’. What we do is that we define our goals for the year ahead. Then we start writing an ultimate dua list, the list of what you want from Allah for your family and friends, everybody and ask Allah for anything and everything you want. And then you start asking for that when you are in your nawafil prayers and sujood, because Allah tells you that it’s the time you are most close to Him. When it comes to the last ten days, when everyone is worrying about when is Laylat al Qadr or what have you, what you need to do is spend that time, make sure you catch those last days InshaAllah, and keep asking Allah for those things on your dua list. I normally cut mine down to ten and I keep asking Allah for all of that throughout 10 days. And if you do that InshaAllah you are bound to catch the night of Laylat al-Qadr.
Abu Productive:
Insha Allah. Sister Khafayah, where can people find you? I know you also provide coaching services for Muslim mums around the world. Where can they find you, where can they book time with you? And maybe learn more about your projects InshaAllah.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
You can do it through www.ummuka.com, my website. And you can also email me at khafayah@ummuka.com or you can visit my facebook page ‘ummuka4moms’, https://www.facebook.com/UMMUKA4Moms
Abu Productive:
Ok so that is www.ummuka.com, and this is sister Khafayah AbdulSalam, the founder of Ummuka and a coach for Muslims mums across the globe. Sister Khafayah, thank you very much for joining us today and for sharing practical tips. I really enjoyed this. I learned lots of new stuff which will definitely be of use to my life. So thank you very much for sharing those tips and techniques with us and I wish you a very productive Ramadan. Thank you very much sister Khafayah, take care of yourself. Assalam alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu.
Khafayah AbdulSalam:
Wa alaikum assalam warahmatullah wabrakatuhu.
