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  1. I feel that being upfront and honest is the most effective way to go,even though it’s not easy to confront a person you are having a problem with. If you are responsible for the situation, admit to it, say how rotten it makes you feel and how much it would mean to you to have their friendship again. If the other person is responsible say how life is so short and not worth having disagreements that keep you apart and how much you want things to return to normal. Sometimes just taking over a gift and /or inviting the person for a cup of tea hints to the fact that you are happy to put things behind you, without actually confronting the difficult situation . We ask Allah to guide us . And He knows best.

  2. SA my brother has fallen out with the entire family and slanders us all. What is especially painful is he openly declares hate towards our mother and has accused her of physically abusing and grooming his kids to the professionals. She dearly loves them. He is extremely suspisious unapproachable. We have tried everything we can think of to keep the tie. All we can do is pray for him and his wife and kids who he has turned against us all. He is not prepared to see any of us including our elderly father who has dementia. The situation consumes our lives and salah. Im definately struggling to be productive and fight the anger and hurt within myself. Help me.

    • Wa alaikum salam sister Lubbna, its very painful to hear your story but alhamdulillah continue making dua to Allah to soften your brother’s heart, do this persistently and in shaa Allah he will come towards you all. Tell your mother to forgive him and tell her to make dua for her son cos Allah will never be pleased if the mother is not pleased.

  3. Alhamdulillah a very nice piece of writing, im also going through a strained relation with one of my family members. im inspired by the article, inshallah ill try to resolve the issue. May Allah swt help

  4. Maashaa Allah great article, i have had very bad relationship with my in laws cos i was cheated in my marriage, it was an arranged marriage. I am in my late fifties now .I was tolerating them for decades but after that i avoided them. It became very convenient for me cos we live abroad. I was cheated in every sense of the word, i just cant share them here. This article has given me a lot of solace and in shaa Allah for the sake of Allah when i go on vacation this year i hope to visit them with my two sons, may Allah pave the way for me, aameen.

  5. After I had been a Muslim for 22 years my eldest brother wrote and told me “don’t visit, don’t call and don’t write. It seems religion has taken over your life and we have nothing in common.”
    The background to this: we were raised as Anglicans – Church of England. He married a Spanish woman and I married a Pakistani. He became Catholic, I became Muslim. We lost our father when I was 8 years old, and my brother was the eldest of 8 children and we used to hang out together. He was 11 years older than me. My wife and I had lived in Saudi Arabia for 18 years only visiting for 3 days during our vacation. So, the letter out of the blue was a surprise. OK, I acceptedit if that was what he wanted.

    However, we are told we should maintain family ties, even with our non-Muslim relatives. I waited patiently, then coming back to the UK after 23 years in Saudi my sister told me the brother had an operation and was out of hospital. I purchased a ‘get well’ card, didn’t write anything on it and printed the address on the envelope and posted it. I received a response thanking me with his address at the top. I wrote back saying “Since you’ve put your address on the letter does that mean you are open to receiving letters?” He wrote back in the affirmative and we wrote regularly to one another. Then, he had another operation. I wrote and this time I said, “I would have phoned but ….. ” He wrote back “If you had phoned I would have spoken to you.” We spoke every two weeks on the phone.

    Unfortunate. my wife was too ill to travel and they live almost 200 miles from us so we didn’t visit. 18 months ago he passed away and the wife was really cut up. I spent some time on the telephone trying to console her and pointing out how Islam views death. Then, about 6 months later (about a year ago) my wife passed away. We spend a long time on the phone and I have taken to visiting her. She is much better now and accepts that what happens is for the best. She used to say, she wished it had been her and not her husband. I pointed ouit to her, he hardly suffered, but could he have managed if she was the one who passed on. She agreed she was better equipped than he would have been and he would only have suffered more. In this way she began to come to terms with the situation.

    I learnt that Islam’s view of death and beyond is far superior to the Christian belief even though I miss my wife terribly. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.

  6. Actually ..nowadays ppl r DAT modernised ..DAT dey don’t wan b guided …due to which all differences …start ..lsnin to r elders n knwin their experiences can help us one or the other way in life…so ..i personally where r thoughts ..dnt match wid dem ..due of respect …v shud b silent n n nt arguin..hope allah guide us to d best aamin!!!

  7. I’m sorry but you know some people cannot get on. I have cousin who bullied me all my life never respected me always looked down on me he puts my parents against me, he even fights with me on special occasions like weddings eid and family gatherings…sometimes it’s not good to be around negative influences it’s better to stay with positive people. I can’t tolerate bullies and I just moved on. You can forgive but you cannot forget.

  8. I think most of our fallouts with people results from our low eeman. When we read verses where Alah says the whole life on earth is not more than a day in reality (see Q23:112-115) we realise this really isnt worth fighting with anyone over anything. I’ve been a victim of such, it was my sister, and i know how much it hurt badly. But alhamdulillah Allah showed me the light and i quickly asked for her forgiveness (even though everyone agreed i was the one who was right) and that we put it behind us, and we should be ashamed of our actions. So in essence i think we should all strive to increase ourknowledge if the deen which will make us realise how insignificant this whole world is. Assalam alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barkaatuhu.

  9. Sometimes I do have fight with my friends. But thanks to Allah, the long-face behaviour ends within 3 days! That’s why I’m really grateful to Allah! And, this article is really inspiring. Thanks ^-^

  10. Assalamoalaikum all, I think that the only thing which we find difficult is to forget the wrongs done by the other person and especially “how can you, my brother/sister/uncle etc. do this and this to me?” keeps us away from the ones who have wronged us. But I have learned that the only thing that can help us mend our relationships are; duas and the true belief that I will be answerable to Allah Subhana Wataala about MY deeds and not the other party. Allah is not going to ask us what the other person has done but what we have done in response. I once read in a book that “responsibility is our ability to respond”, and I truely believe that it becomes easy to forgive and forget when our focus is our responsibility and trust that we are answerable for what our deeds. Rest may Allah give us the strength to forgive because truely, it is a very hard thing to do. Ameen Thumma Ameen.

  11. Mashallah I am very pleased with the topic of the discussion. May Allah forgive and grant jannah to all of them who works for productive Muslim website.
    According to me the one who tries to keep the ties of kinship at the very first is the one who actually cares for the relationships. When Rasool(SAWS) was frightened after seeing Jibreel he rushed into his home and asked his wife Khadija(RA) to cover him, one of the things that she told to him at that situation was that Allah is not going to despair you for you keep the family ties. It just shows us some fruit for thought from one of our Ummul mummin

  12. Bis’millah

    I recently learnt about assertive communication. It allows one to respect themselves and respect others even in matters of differences and to communicate effectively and to be aware of healthy boundaries.

    I believe this skills aids a lot when we deal with family and friends. Recommended reading

    ‘The Assertive communication workbook’ alternatively type in assertive communication on google search and there are lots of article available

  13. I love this article and I love the fact these issues are being discussed with a Sunah emphasis because when we shut off the Sunah, we lose ourselves and our eeman. Family is the Devil’s playground. We need more topics to address and help the struggling ummah.

  14. Jazak Allah khair sister Fathema for your kind words of support. You see the smallest things make a huge difference and make you feel positive again. Thank you. My mum is an honest lady who has certainty Allah will guide her son. She pardons him and prays for his success in both worlds. Life is surely a test and we constantly need reminders to get through. I pray for the success of every human being. I feel immensly blessed to be part of this ummah, here we are giving strength to each other as we really do feel the pain of others however far we are.

  15. Assalamaualaikum wrwb
    What helped me is letting go, letting go of all the hurt, insults and bad feelings and forgiving everyone plus forgetting what had happened. Doing so made me change my self for me, I became kinder for myself and towards others specially who had wronged me, and slowly, slowly my change rubbed on them too…they changed towards me a lot if not entirely. How I did it? it was not easy to tell you the truth, but I made my self understand that it is hurting me inside out and it’s hurting my kids and it’s hurting my chances in Akhirah. This realisation got me thinking; how do I fix it? here is what helped:
    1-I made Dua for them, sat down after praying raised my hands and made Dua for them in loud voice with theirs names. It was hard saying their names but some how listening to my self making Dua for them with their names broke the Ice, I felt lighter.
    2- Read Dua :رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا رَبَّنَا إِنَّكَ رَؤُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ to cure my heart.
    3- Looked really carefully what I have done wrong and if not wrong then what was substandard done by me, asked the questions: Could I have handled the situation differently, could it be avoided and learned better ways of dealing with situations:
    I don’t have to accept every invitation to fight, my time is not worth that non-sense.
    I have to be more conscious of my feelings when I talk to them, if I see even a hint of sarcasm, anger and desire to lash back I will not even say the right thing because it will definitely come out the wrong way.
    4- after doing all that there were still some stubborn patches in my heart as well as in my behaviour and I was not able to fix them, so I broke down in front of Allah and made Dua: O Allah I cannot do this please you do it for me, and presto :) it was done .
    Realise though still there will be some people who will not leave hurting you :) for those remember a smile can be the answer for a lot of questions and talk…. Avoid.

  16. Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Hi Wabarkatuhu..

    Qul inna Salati wa Nusuki wa Mahyaya wa Mamati LILLAHI Rab-bil Aalameen..
    “Say, “Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah , Lord of the worlds.”
    Qur’an 6:162 .”

    Life is toooo short for me /us to be sad with someone or spoil our ties.. Love Creates Love.
    Forgiving is the sunnah of Allah….. It has enormous benefits hidden in it. and jannah inshAllah.

    jazakAllah Khair!

  17. Approaching the person you are not on talking terms with:

    Ever get the timing all wrong and express your feelings, only to receive a really negative reception? How about when it seems to get worse and worse, whether you stay quiet or try to speak?

    Basically, shaytaan has set up a big fairground, with his army of shayaateen running the rides, between you and that person. Be it your husband, friend, relative, or employer, nothing can get through to them without going through the fairground of fitna and that rotten devil’s interference.

    These are times when, although you desperately want to communicate and try to garner understanding and positivity, you will not succeed. These are times when you have to hold on to your hijab (or perhaps kufi, LOL) and bide your time.

    You may write down your feelings, get into details about your perspective, and even try to make an objective list of pros and cons… or 70 excuses. However, instead of handing them over or pressing send on the e-mail, pray 2 rakat and sit down with that list and pour it out to The Therapist. Take it to Allah. Just doing that will ease your heart and mind. It also puts the whole situation over to the Only One Who has any control over it and any power to change it for the good.

    Allah will not change your situation if you think you can handle it yourself…and wouldn’t that be idiotic thinking anyway?

    Allah says: “Call upon Me. I will answer you.” [Sûrah Ghâfir: 60]

    So, call upon Him and let Him resolve the situation in the most perfect way; in a way you would never be able to in your lifetime. Don’t delay in turning to Him, so He doesn’t delay in answering…and remember, holding on to your hijab drives shaytaan crazy. Allah is with the patient…and shaytaan has to run. By the time you’ve handed it over to Allah and exercised patience, shaytaan will have been forced to pack up and take his fairground somewhere else.

    In reaching out to them, share something of yourself…a homemade bookmark with a significant ayah of Quraan on it, bake them some cookies, or send a little card/e-card. However, wait for Allah’s Guidance first and foremost.

    Defuse the ill will created by the conflict:

    Sometimes it is very hard to see clearly when you are hurt or heartbroken by someone. To be honest, only Allah knows the complete situation from both sides and if their treatment or behaviour is wrong.However, when you are hurt, think about what will heal the hurt. Think about how things could be set right and what it would need from the person/people who hurt you. Then make dua’…for them.

    Never forget that the dua’ of the oppressed has no shield between the person and Allah. Ask Allah to guide them to be better, closer to the manners and ways of the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Ask Allah to make clear to them what He Loves and what He Hates and guide them to all that He Loves. Ask Allah to show them the errors of their ways and correct them. Ask Allah to put love, for His Sake, between you and them. Ask Allah to increase their taqwa and emaan and make them an excellent servant of Allah. Seek protection from the fitna of them and the situation for yourself and your family. Then pray for all of those things for yourself as well and for anyone else involved. If everyone pleases Allah, then hearts will heal and success will follow.

    Communicate your feelings and issues effectively:

    Although different situations warrant different actions, the easiest way to handle an upsetting situation is to simply inform the person who has hurt us at the time that they do it. There are some things i learned in my interpersonal relations course in college, which are useful when expressing upset or hurt with someone else. Use “I” statements. In this way, you are informing the person how you feel, not accusing them of what they did. For example, “I feel hurt when you throw my things away without telling me.” There is a big difference between that and saying, “Why did you throw my things away without telling me?” The second is an accusation that puts the person on the spot. The first is explaining how you feel about their actions.

    Although we do need to bear things with patience, we also are commanded to enjoin the right and forbid the wrong. If we don’t do that, we take some of the sin of the situation upon ourselves. To simply state how you feel about something is not a crime; it doesn’t mean you don’t have sabr. We are told that if we cannot say anything nice, we mustn’t say anything. In sticking to that rule, you will ensure that you spoke in a way pleasing to Allah.

    Put the past behind and make a brand new start:
    Remember, you have your own faults, failings, and sins. Allah created “insaan” – mankind – with imperfections; that is part of the big design. This life is a test, and we are here to struggle against shaytaan and our own nafs as part of the Divine Decree.

    Man errs, man repents, man learns.
    Man errs, man repents, man gains emaan.
    Man errs, man repents, man grows.
    Man errs, man repents, man gains taqwa.

    Make a pledge to truly live Islam in the relationship, because in emulating the manners and diplomacy of our beloved Prophet, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam, everything is beautiful!

  18. mashaAllah :) jazakAllahu khair brothers/sisters at for sharing your Islamic knowledge, please continue doing so for the sake of Allah always may Allah reward you all for the good deeds you try to do for His sake :) wasalaam from the Philippines :)

  19. regarding this issue about restoring family ties, Alhamdulillah always with whatever Allah wills. If you and your relatives do not happen to be close, as in the case with me and some of my maternal relatives, just include them in your du’as and pray that Allah guides them to His Love and Mercy. If Allah wills that you meet each other again, try to resolve any conflict or any misunderstanding beginning with sincere intentions and the friendly salaams :) then try to stay in touch with them through any means you can whether through e-mails or text messages, especially to educate each other more about Islam etc. If you can’t do any of that then always include all your families and loved ones in your du’as. Allah the Most Merciful always hears and knows and will by His Mercy respond to you at the best time He knows is appropriate :) Allah knows best. may Allah the Most Forgiving forgive us and guide us always to what He and His Messenger Muhammad sallAllahu ‘alaihi wa sallam love. ameen.


  20. Assalamu alikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatahu,mashallah very good and effective article,in everybody life there are relations which are not so good and so in mine too but for the sake of allah we have to forget everything and maintain a good relations and taking this step needs lot of strength because the responses would not come possitive from other side but allah is the one who gives strength and support,inshallah i will try to maintain .If any more ideas how to deal with this situations please mail one more article on this topic.thank u for ur beneficial article.may allah guide us all and forgive our sins.

  21. Nice article…thank you for reminding me the importance of keeping ties with family and relatives.i’ve ever been in conflict with my closest friend and communication was the effective way to solve it out.we spoke from each other, talked about the problems and shared what we though and within our souls.nowadays, we still be closest friends…

  22. Asalamu Alaikum Wa rahmatullahi Wa barakatuhu! I benefitted so much in this article and also the stories of our beloved brothers and sister which i can Relate. From Christian to Muslim Al hamdulillah i see big changes in my life and how i Look forward of what awaits me after this life. Indeed the Life of Muslim is not easy we may have struggles in the diffrent aspects but al hamdulillah you get the answer through Quran and Sunnah, Im so overwhelmed how Ummah advise each other like this very benefecial website, article and all the brothers and sisters behind this May Allah Accept it from us and reunite as all in Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen

    Jennan Sulaiman

  23. Asalamu alaikum ,
    Thank you for ProductiveMuslim reader discussion. I really reading how others approach a subject that is dear to me. Thank you for reminding me the importance of keeping ties with family and relatives. I have written on how a family can bond better with one another, family , relatives and friends. You can check it out at Simple wholesome coops for families

    May Allah(swt) put love between us, ameen.

  24. Sometimes women have forgiven their exes for putting them through many life changes and want to extend their mercy and compassion towards them, but I say that you can’t change someone because only Allah is Al-Fattah – The Turner of Hearts. You can intend a WORLD of good for a person, but if they are not ready or willing to accept your advice, then they will NOT change. I bring up this topic, because after a divorce, some single women may consider going back to what they already know (rekindling their relationships with their exes, regardless of the reasons of why they split in the first place). This is most likely a work of the lower self and the whispers of shaytan, so beware my lovely sisters, and even brothers too in some situations as well! Subhanallah! x3

  25. Alhamdulillah with d articles it gives some points i will like to share with my sibblings. They are really bitter with our half sibblings becos of d maltreatment from our late father. The maltreatment extended to the estate he left behind, which was exposed only to our half brothers and sisters even though we are d eldest of the children. This makes my sibblings bitter and not ready to tie d kinship. Meanwhile am grateful for d article. Jazakum llahu khairan.

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  27. Okay so when i was born after 1.5 years i started living in my grandmothers(mothers mother) home but i was in connection with my mom and dad so its been 5to 6 years im completely with my parents so i have become lil bit normal like earlier i wasnt able to talk to him clearly i use to feel shy but with mom im dtruggling see i am in 10th standard and theres too mmuch to study because so many exams are held so sometime (almost all the time) im unable to help her in chores and am the only daughter of her so i feel bad that why im not helping her so i try helping her but sometimes she becomes reallyy angry like may be yesterday one of my moms brother ( in islam) came to our house so suddenly my friend called for some help in portion because we had exam the next day and at the same time mom asked me to cut salad so i cutted half salad and went to help my friend when i came back to kitchen was that really important that was not important that time so i told her no it was important she wanted to know about portion i didnt went to waste my time though i spoked softly she said ok i have had enough mend your ways or i ll say the same to you to leave the house and do whatever you want to leave me and i was like what….. Plz im really trying my best from past 1 year but failed plz help me out…….

    • Assalamu alaikum sister,
      I understand your trouble, all of us go through tough times and moments of despair and our first question would always be “WHY ME?”. we think how unfair life is to us or how unlucky we are. we feel that if we pray and stay away from bad deeds Allah has to grant us everything. I believe that Allah SWT tests and he tests us MORE when our iman gets stronger and it takes us closer to him. Make dua and ask Allah to help you. most teenage girls have the same problem with their moms.Allah tests those He loves in order to make them closer to Him. The more you seek His love and be completely freed from your needs of anybody except for Allah, the easier it will be to accept her inability to treat you justly, and the easier it will be to treat her with respect for the sake of Allah.Remember that nobody knows and understands your pain better than Allah SWT and above all, nobody is more forgiving and loving than Allah SWT. Rather than expending emotional & physical energy on the guilt you feel, work towards strengthening your relationship with Allah and also asking Him to strengthen your heart, and to change the heart of your mother.
      In striving to help your mom you are pleasing Allah SWT. There is a particular emphasis on good treatment of parents as Allah SWT says, “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them, but address them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small.’” [al-Isra’ 17:23-24]
      Be patient for Allah SWT loves the patient and remember “Paradise lies under the feet of your mother” You can’t change how people treat you! All you can change is how you react to it.Make istighfar constantly and Allah will help you. May Allah SWT ease all your difficulties. PLS forgv if I hav used any hurtful wrds. the following link brings out the wonders of istighfar….

  28. Masha Allah..really nice article. I really loved it. To be honest, i had a difference with closest kin. After reading this article, i realised that there is no point of being having difference with anyone. Because, this always disturbs and not able to have peace of mind.

    I would say , by making practice of below habits we can have strong ties with family members :-

    1. Gatherings
    2. If staying away, keep in constant touch
    3. Through social media like watsapp by sharing good thoughts and having healthy discussions

  29. Asalam u Alikum . very effective discussion. Following is a tip I have learned in my life. Its just a matter of putting away and placing some words in our communication and people would love us.

    Try saying “NO PROBLEM” when someone makes a mistake and stop saying “WHY YOU DID THAT?” when someone makes a mistake. There are other ways to make someone realize there mistakes.

  30. nice post…i have one quention. I have a friend in office with whom i am not talking since few she use to humiliate me everytime.She used to remove all her mood swings on me. being a quiet person i never reply back to her.but since when i stopped talking she started taunting 1 week before she started talking talking to me saying she needs me as she is upset with in laws.but it was a lie and again after two days she was same , getting rude and all.again i left talking as it makes me depressed.i once discussed this with her but she was not ready to accept her mistake …now my question is still do i need to talk to her even though it depress me…

  31. Hi MashaAllah nyc topic my family never contacted me for two and a half years just because I refused to get married to the guy whom they wanted and went on with my choice of a husband I have never wronged them before that day so on my wedding day my father attended the nikkah and after that day He never answered even my phonecall after 2moths I started befriending my sisters Alhamdulillah the rest of the family is now okay with my husband except my aunt(who is now married to my dad) and my dad my Allah help me get that good relationship with my dad I miss him so much and I also hope my aunt will also forgive me most of all I wronged her the most I regret telling her that she isn’t my mum after she raised me since my mum died I hope that she finds it in her heart to forgive me bcos evrytime I go home she refuses to see me. Please pray for me and her to reconcile soon I miss her so much she was my best friend

  32. As-salam aleykum wrahamatullah wabarakatuhu, there is one woman who stays closer to my house who stays closer to my house and noticed I was going out with her husband and of course we have both agreed to marry each other but when this woman got to know about it, she went to my mum and insulted her all day till d extent that my elder sister couldn’t not bear the shame any longer and so it resulted into conflict which my sister nearly beat her up and since then, we have stopped the good relationship between us, she doent greet us and vice-versa. I don’t like the way things are going because some of our neighbors had joined her in embarrassing my mum where ever she steps. Pleas what can I do I’m tired of the malice. Ma salam

  33. As salam-u- alaikum,
    Inthink being frank and honest is the best way i might get a solution to my problem.
    I have been dealing with depression alot lately. And everybody keeps on saying ‘i have changed a lot’ ‘i dont respect anyone’. I think i have changed too. I have anger issues now and i think i hate everyone who comes near me.
    No one in my family talks to me now, as they now i might get angry and everyone looks at me in sympathy.
    Please help me Regain what i lost fue to anger. And tell me how di i restore all the broken ties..