Relax. This isn’t just another spoof.
I ain’t no wimp!
I’m no dork or nerd or some kind of dumb ‘Emo’ either.
There IS another side to these stories, you know!
I mean, did you ever think guys like me have a different story to tell?
Time for a MAJOR reality check!
I get things done…. Eventually. And from a procrastinator’s point of view, my grades aren’t bad. Of course, my parents don’t get that (Like AT ALL!)
I love jokes and pranks. Some people find them mean and offending. Sorry about that. And by ‘sorry’ I mean ‘you’re welcome!’
Here’s my story….
Plug your nose and proceed with caution
Coz real life STINKS!
(Yeah and so does my room!)
I once punched a kid in first-grade coz he wouldn’t share his chocolate chip cookies.
I hated that snot-covered whino!
And what kind of parent names a baby ‘Lawrence’?
Anyways, when my mom found out about the punching, she asked me why I did it and I said it’s coz all the kids in my class tease me coz the lunch she packs for me is BORING! Mom felt SO BAD it wasn’t even funny.
She went to the store and got me like a gazillion cookies of every shape and kind. Even though just a week before I asked her nicely to buy me some and she totally ignored me.
Why’d I remember that now? Hell if I know!
Darn! I hear mom’s footsteps coming upstairs to check if I cleaned my room like I promised….
Nope! False alarm.
Okay, so I got 6 assignments, 3 essays, and 4 tests this week. There’s the English project, too, but that’s a group thing so I’m covered.
Wow! See what I just did? I listed all my to-dos off the top of my head like some kind of genius wizard. I’m totally killing it I deserve a reward or something for making it this far, huh?
Play Station? Oh no! It’s not JUST a game people! It’s a “Call-of-Duty”!
Forty-five minutes of uninterrupted Black-Ops ‘awesomity’ later, my mom calls my name from downstairs.
Yup third time she definitely yells my name out for the whole neighborhood to hear! And she wonders why smelly old Mr. Grank from down the street has gone completely deaf over the years. Good job mom!
See, when I say something and she ignores me, that’s totally fine. But when she calls my name and I don’t reply within three seconds, deafening horns blow and it’s suddenly Judgment day! I know my mom loves me but for some reason, I sometimes think she doesn’t really like me.
“What are these?” Mom asks the minute I walk in the living room.
Holding them the way one would hold a dead rat by its tail, my mom adds, “And what are your dirty smelly socks doing on my white couch?”
I never know how to answer questions like that. I mean why do parents have to make a big deal out of everything? Chillax Mom! They’re just socks. It’s not like I murdered Mr. Grank and left his dead body on the couch!
“Eww what’s that smell? OMG! Did someone die in here?” My sister asked.
Sara’s the top student in her class. (And the top BRAGGER!)
She’s her class president and captain of the basketball team. (Whatever)
She thinks she’s the hottest thing that happened to the world since, I dunno, sliced bread?
And she’s won every award invented, including being THE MOST ANNOYING SISTER IN HISTORY!
“Can you please put your socks in the laundry basket and go finish your homework?” Mom asked.
“We just ate dinner an HOUR ago!” She said in an unexplained horrified tone.
“I know that trick, Ali! You’re not hungry, you’re procrastinating!”
“No I’m not!”
“Oh yes, you are! You put the ‘PRO’ in procrastination” Mom said proudly.
Urgh! Don’t do that mom. Don’t do the teen ‘lingo’ thing, it’s like 108% DEAD lame.
“When I was your age…..”
Here we go again….
Watch her tell me about her straight A’s all through school AND college, plus the chore wheel and being the best class president in ancient history. One of mom’s greatest talents is turning a five-minute conversation into a two-hour lecture.
First, she’ll talk about the good old days, then she’ll remind me how she chose her kids and gave up a high-powered career (In what, knitting?) and then she’ll start wondering out loud where she went wrong with me.
And of course, there’s the signature finale… Here it comes…
“Why can’t you be more like your sister, Ali? She’s two years younger but probably ten years wiser! Watch her graduate as class valedictorian while you drop out of school and pick garbage on the side of the road.”
I think I rolled my eyes so hard they fell off my head and rolled on the floor.
“Mom! Did you see that? He just rolled his eyes at you.” My sister Sara swooped in as usual. What a snitch!
“Hey Sara! I found that thing you lost!” I snickered.
“I didn’t lose anything!” Sara spit out.
“No kiddin’! Coz I just found your nose! It was in my butt!”
“MOMMMMMMMM!” Sara yelled.
I couldn’t help laughing! She’s such a drama queen!
“You’re lucky your dad’s not back yet. You better fix that attitude of yours Ali, before he gets home.” My mom warned.
“Sure! I’ll go get my tools.” I said before going back to my room.
Stomp Stomp and BAAAAMMMMMM
Yeah, I slam doors when I’m pissed. It’s better than swearing.
(It’s actually not better, but my dad will be home any sec and he’s got serious anger issues. Let’s just leave it at that!)
Mom thinks I’m the only teenager in the world who leaves his work undone till last minute. She thinks all kids my age run back from school excited to do their homework and help around the house before snuggling in bed with their parents to talk about their day and their dreams of the perfect future.
I mean for real mom!
It’s not that I don’t care about my future…
Of course I do!
I do wanna stop procrastinating. I do wanna be productive and successful in life and all. And believe it or not, I do care about my grades!
I just don’t like the ‘hard work’ part. Can I skip it and get to the part where I’m a famous billionaire traveling around the world in my private jet already?
Man! I’m exhausted from all this homework I haven’t started on yet.
You know I read somewhere that the origin of the word ‘studying’ is actually ‘students dying’?
Makes perfect sense!!!!
I had to Google it to make sure.
Two hours later, I found myself watching movie trailers!
Okay new game plan: I’ll wake up super early and finish all my work before school.
C’mon Ali, you can do this. Off to bed.
Hmmmmm…. One last game of Black Ops?
Whoever said school must start this early should be kicked in the stomach so hard!
“Good morning Ali. Eat your breakfast quick. You’re gonna be late for school!” Mom said.
“I’m not hungry. I wanna go back to bed” I rested my head on the table. Of course, Sara was already up, all bright and shiny, chatting away like a happy little monkey.
Are my ears bleeding yet?
“You must eat something Ali, you look so tired” Mom insisted. “See? That’s what procrastination does. You waste your day doing nothing, stay up late to finish your work and then you don’t get enough sleep at night.”
Someone say it coz I gotta go bang my head against the friggin’ wall!
No one? Fine, I’ll say it!
MOMS COMPLAIN! Like ALL THE TIME!
When I sleep in, she complains I sleep too much.
When I don’t sleep she complains about my health
When I don’t shower she says I stink, and when I do, she knocks on the door with a hammer coz ‘I’m wasting the hot water’!
“You eat too much!”
“You hardly eat!”
“You’re always out with your friends!”
“Why are you sitting alone, where are your friends?”
“Why are you so quiet today?”
“Do you ever shut up?”
Urghhhhhh no wonder I’m always tired!
The walk to school is about ‘two songs’ long. Remind me to charge my phone when I get home. Of course, little Miss Perfect Sara never has that problem. Everything is charged, sparkling clean and exactly where it should be. Her room is so sterile she can actually do surgery in it. Did I mention my sister wants to be a doctor? Or at least that’s what she tells mom and dad before they drool and get hearts in their eyes. (Yeah, that’s when they look at me and gag!)
There’s no way Sara will ever become a doctor. Are you people insane? She cries at the sight of her OWN blood.
From a PAPER cut!
She’s only saying that to make me look bad. But no one believes me!
One night when mom and dad were out, I put ketchup on my face and shirt and lied still on the ground next to a big sharp knife, also covered in ketchup! You should see what Sara did. She screamed so loud I think she woke up the dead in Nigeria! HILARIOUS!
I was grounded for a week when my parents found out, but it was totally worth it LOL.
“Hey man! What’s good?
That’s Joe. We’ve been friends since God knows how long! His real name’s Yusuf, but no one ever calls him that.
“Are you stoked about tonight’s big game or what?” Joe asked all excited.
“I can’t! I’m on that work grind this weekend.” I said.
“What’s wrong with you, man? You flakin’ on me now?”
“I’m flunking my classes, Joe!”
“Come hang out at my place for the first half then. K?”
I like Joe’s place. His brother left for college so it’s just him and I and all the video games we can handle. That’s why we hang out at his place and never mine. I hardly ask him to come over coz I’m 99.9% SURE he has a thing for my sister (GAG OUT LOUD) Plus his mom makes a MEAN lasagna!
“Yo! Timmy boy!” I called out to the dorkiest dork in school.
“It’s Jimmy.” He mumbled, breaking into a pool of sweat. “Actually it’s Jim!”
“Whatever! Give me your math homework.”
“Okay…” Jim shivered.
“And stop breathing so loud. It’s annoying!”
I copied both worksheets then shoved them in Jimmy’s face. He scurried away like a terrified mouse.
Now, before you start judging me, you gotta know all the facts:
- Jimmy is one of those wimpy, four-eyed, pencil legged, pizza-faced kids. He irritates the crap out of people (including his own parents I’m sure!)
- I’m doing him a favor copying his stupid homework. If it weren’t for me talking to Timmy boy once a week, no one would even know he existed. I put him on the map!
- It’s Algebra homework. It’s one of those subjects we’ll NEVER use in real life, so it doesn’t count!
Four boring classes of wasted time and energy, it’s finally lunch.
Now let’s get things straight; I can survive 40 minutes, pretending to listen to Mrs. Nelson reflect on the novel in English class. She has a ‘conspiracy theory’ for EVERYTHING! Like when the author says the ‘sky was blue and the grass was green’, Mrs. Nelson will have us write an 800-word essay on the ‘underlining meaning’. For God’s sake, Mrs. Nelson! The author is not talking about his painful childhood. He’s just saying the sky was the COLOR BLUE and the grass was the COLOR GREEN. End of story!
But you know what, I can survive that…
I can even survive Mrs. Gellar’s science class and she sprays toilet water on you if you get the answer wrong. You hear me? TOILET WATER!
But I get through that, too!
The only thing I can’t survive is cafeteria food. I once barfed my whole meal coz I found a dead roach in my Jell-O cup. True story.
I never went back there again.
Joe teases me about it, but I don’t care. Everyone has a weird thing, and mine is…ummmm… I like my lunch insect-free, thank you very much!
I went to the pizza place across the street to grab a quick bite. (Or 4 slices to be exact). Man, the place was overcrowded. It took forever
“Can I help you?” The guy behind the counter asked.
No, I’ve been standing in line for 20 minutes just to say hi! Of course you can help me!
Wolfing down the pizza I ran across the street back to school. I was already ten minutes late for Bio class. And I still had to find what’s his face to copy his assignment for that too. He better be waiting for my text! Where’s my phone?
See how exhausting my life is?
I fiddled only for a sec…. Then I heard a loud honking sound, a Black Jaguar car coming right at me and people screaming. My heart stopped. I fell and my head hit the concrete so hard I think I tasted my own brain!
I don’t know what happened after that! All I remember is the voice of a hysterical old lady asking, “Is he dead?”
Oh my God….
To be continued….
Read the Promo, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7
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