[Parenting Lessons from Surah Luqman – Part 3]: Being Grateful and Caring towards Parents

In previous parts of this series on parenting lessons from surah Luqman, we talked about the essential prerequisites of parenting (Part 1), and the importance of instilling tawheed and iman in our children, so they can avoid committing shirk (Part 2).

This part focuses on the next piece of advice in surah Luqman : taking care of one’s parents and being grateful to them, and how we can imbibe these qualities in ourselves and our children.

Allah says in surah Luqman:

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.” [Qur’an: Chapter 31, Verse 14]

In surah Isra’, Allah says:

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” [Qur’an: Chapter 17, Verse 23]

Caring for Parents

When the companions of the Prophet once asked him to advise them on whom to spend on, Allah revealed the following ayah:

“They ask you (O Muhammad ) what they should spend. Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred and orphans and Al-Masakin (the poor) and the wayfarers, and whatever you do of good deeds, truly, Allah knows it well.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 215]

And Allah says:

“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, Al-Masakin (the poor), the neighbour who is near of kin, the neighbour who is a stranger, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (you meet), and those (slaves) whom your right hands possess. Verily, Allah does not like such as are proud and boastful.” [Qur’an: Chapter 4, verse 36]

When I became a mother, I realized how much my mother sacrificed her comforts, her habits and her lifestyle to give me a beautiful childhood. And as I further tried to gather useful tips from other successful parents, I saw the same sacrifice from them. One father even gave up his opportunities to garner international acclaim just so he could be with his children and not travel.

Subhanallah! All this was done happily and without expecting anything in return. No wonder Allah commands us to be good to them and to be grateful to them!

Each child has a unique nature. Some are naturally loving and caring, some find it hard to be expressive. I have also come across some parents who lament that their children, however loving and concerned they are, do not feel it their duty to be good and obedient!

So let us look at some of the ways in which we can inculcate love and care in our children towards their parents as they grow up:

1. Make dua

Dua is the first step towards accomplishing anything. It ensures Allah ’s help without which nothing can be accomplished.

Even if your children are, say, in their 40s, continue to make dua for them, as it is never too late to ask Allah ; He always responds.

Two of the most common, yet powerful duas that every parent must make as often as possible are those made by prophets Ibrahim and Zakariya for their children:

Prophet Ibrahim’s dua is found in Surah As-Saffat:

“O my Lord! Grant me a Righteous (son).” [ Qur’an: Chapter 37, Verse 100]

And prophet Zakariya’s dua in Surah Ali Imran:

“O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure: for Thou Art He that heareth prayer.” [Qur’an: Chapter 3, Verse 38]

2. Walk the talk

Children model their parents’ behaviour.

If they see us taking care of our parents, seeing us checking up on our own parents regularly from afar (if they don’t live nearby), getting things they like or need, meeting them often and helping out in their chores, then In sha Allah, taking care of us will come naturally to our own children.

My daughter tends to ask a lot of ‘whys’. Those are excellent times for me to make engaging conversations that convey to her the essence of what Allah has said in this beautiful ayah from Surah Al Ahqaf:

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship and she brings him forth with hardship, and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty (30) months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says:

“My Lord! Grant me the power and ability that I may be grateful for Your Favour which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I may do righteous good deeds, such as please You, and make my offspring good. Truly, I have turned to You in repentance, and truly, I am one of the Muslims (submitting to Your Will).”” [Qur’an: Chapter 46, Verse 15]

The second part of the ayah above is also a dua that parents must make on a regular basis, especially as it covers dua for our parents and children.

3. Assign simple chores to children

One thing that should be avoided is not letting the child know that you are tired or need rest, love and care.

“Mommy is tired! Ahmed, can you get me a glass of water?”

“Baba is about to come home. Are his slippers in place, dear?”

Simple chores such as these which they can do easily, presented to them in a loving and gentle manner must be a routine in our homes. But do not forget to somehow make it fun for them!

Remember: Children love to learn, but dislike being taught by rote or force!

4. Teach dua by example

Let us ensure we have our children in our vicinity or on our prayer mats or go along with us to the masjid so they see us make dua for our parents.

As Allah says in Surah Al Isra’:

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small.” [Qur’an: Chapter 17, Verse 24]

It is a good idea to start with very simple duas such as the one above and shorter ones further above, In sha Allah.

5. Praise them for their good deeds

Express your happiness when they do good deeds and tell them that you are happy for them and yourself.

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying:

“When a man dies, his acts come to an end, but three: recurring charity, or knowledge (by which people) benefit, or a pious son, who prays for him (for the deceased).” [Sahih Muslim]

So every good deed, every act of piety, righteousness and good trait that we encourage in them which goes on to become a part of their character or a notable characteristic of their lives, will yield us rewards well beyond our lives and into our graves, even after our own acts of ibadah have stopped benefiting us (except recurring charity).

Being Grateful

Being grateful to Allah is a means of increase in provision and also a way of bringing positivity in our lives as Allah proclaims:

“If you are thankful, I will grant you increase.” [Qur’an: Chapter 14 ,Verse 7]

Implementing and teaching gratefulness to our children is important. Studies on this subject tell us that being grateful makes people happier: it teaches us to focus on what we have instead of what we don’t.

“By learning gratitude, they (children) become sensitive to the feelings of others, developing empathy and other life skills along the way,” says Barbara Lewis, author of What Do You Stand For? A Guide to Building Character (for kids).

Children (and adults) who have a grateful attitude look outside their one-person universe and understand that their parents and other people do things for them: prepare dinner, give hugs, buy toys, wash clothes, clean up rooms and the list goes on.

“On the flip side, kids who aren’t taught to be grateful end up feeling entitled and perpetually disappointed,” continues Lewis.

A grateful attitude towards life will benefit our children when they grow up.

A 2003 study at the University of California at Davis showed that “grateful people report higher levels of happiness and optimism, along with lower levels of depression and stress.”

Let us look at effective ways we can instill a grateful attitude in our children:

1. Be thankful yourself

Children learn by observing and imitating their parents, loved ones and role models. So we have to do it ourselves too.

If our children see us saying, “Alhamdulillah” after eating our food, or wearing new clothes, or buying something new for the house, or upon landing a new job, then they will do it too.

Children are best led by example!

As intelligent adults, considering this reminder by Allah is enough for the thinking among us to be grateful:

“Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].” [Qur’an: Chapter 31, Verse 20]

2. Get kids to help: then thank them

Every time we observe point 3 in the previous section on caring for parents (assigning chores and simple activities to children) and involve them in helping around the house, be sure to say a big “thank you!” to them and in the same breath thank Allah as well.

This may get them to go on their why-spree and hopefully another opportunity to kick up a fun talk on the below ayah from Surah Luqman:

“And indeed We bestowed upon Luqman Al-Hikmah (wisdom and religious understanding, etc.) saying: “Give thanks to Allah,” and whoever gives thanks, he gives thanks for (the good of) his ownself. And whoever is unthankful, then verily, Allah is All-Rich (Free of all wants), Worthy of all praise.” [Qur’an: Chapter 31, Verse 12]

Thanking them for their work goes a long way in helping them to learn gratefulness, and teaches them the value of emotions one feels when one does something good and hears a heartfelt ‘thank you’ in return, especially from elders they love and look up to.

3. Count your blessings, literally

It’s a fun and rewarding practice to sit down with our children and make a list of the blessings of Allah .

“Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].” [Qur’an: Chapter 31, Verse 20]

We must find the time to do such things as taking strolls with our little ones under starlit night skies thinking aloud about the wonders of the universe, how tiny our earth is and how lucky we are to be here; protected and provided for.

We could, for example, refer to surah Nahl where Allah tells us how He created the cows, horses and donkeys that provide us with food, and to use to carry heavy loads so that we don’t have to.

And about how He sends down rain that bring water to us, used by plants to grow; and how He has created fruits like grapes and olives for us.

Allah mentions in surah An Nazi’at that He created the mountains standing firm which hold this earth together so that it does not shake and how we can stand on it without falling off and about the stars that we rely on to guide us during the night!

Exercises such as these have helped my daughter countless times to marvel at and be grateful for Allah’s blessings.

4. Help kids help others

Make a habit of helping others: holding doors, help carry the grocery for someone, help a sick relative or friend. Inspire your child to do it too. When they hear a ‘thank you’, it teaches them to say it too, In sha Allah.

Building human relations are also a means of learning how to be grateful. Allah says in Surah Al Baqarah (among other things):

“Those who sever what Allah has ordered to be joined as regards to keeping good relations with kith and kin, it is they who are the losers.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verses: 27]

5. Be patient

Some children are born with a complaining streak in them and some develop it over time perhaps due to difficult life situations. My daughter developed hers during a rather long period of difficulties that we faced as a family.

It is ayahs such as these from surah Al Baqarah that give hope and strength to us all in our trying times:

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive (to Allah).” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 45]

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 153]

It became really stressful for me to hear her complain and only point out the negatives even when things started to get better. However, recalling these above qualities of people to whom Allah has promised The Garden helps us adults to be more patient at all times, as best as humanly possible.

“The patient, the true, the obedient, those who spend [in the way of Allah ], and those who seek forgiveness before dawn.” [Qur’an: Chapter 3, Verse 17]

This last point about being patient is one that is best approached through teaching by demonstration and by example, and is likely the most challenging of all for us as parents.

So don’t lose your patience when your child is not doing what you want him or her to do. Continue to make dua and work harder; remembering that Allah Always helps.

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” [Qur’an: Chapter 2, Verse 153]

I pray that this article was beneficial to you and your family. In sha Allah, we will meet again and learn how to act upon the next piece of advice by Luqman : establishing salah (prayer) in the lives of our children.

Please share your thoughts and experiences in a comment below on being grateful and caring towards parents.